A Personal Reflection

In many traditional Indian households, domestic chores predominantly fall on women, while men engage in paid work. In my family, my older sister and mother managed most of the household responsibilities, while my father and I benefited from their efforts. My mother, accustomed to her capable firstborn, often found teaching me household skills to be an additional burden. Even when young Sangeeta offered to help, my organized mother would insist I stay out of the kitchen. Consequently, my upbringing mirrored that of many Indian boys—comfortable but dependent.

This dependency on women’s labor became evident when, if my mother was unavailable, my father preferred to call her back home rather than handle simple tasks himself. I regretfully admit that this behavior persisted into my teenage years.

When I prepared to relocate, my family expressed doubt about my ability to manage without them, often implying that I would quickly return needing their support. My father seemed initially accepting of my independence, but he later remarked that no man desires a woman who lacks domestic skills—suggesting that being "like a man" meant being inept in household tasks.

This dynamic illustrates the concept of weaponized incompetence: the use of perceived inability to perform tasks as a means of offloading responsibilities onto others. It starts with statements like, "If you need help, just let me know," and often leads to, "If you're unhappy with how I did it, you might as well do it yourself."

Surprisingly, I thrived after moving out. I learned to cook, clean, and maintain my living space efficiently, thanks in part to resources like Google and YouTube. These platforms equipped me with the skills to manage my domestic life effectively.

If my mother wasn't available, my father would rather call her than reheat meals she had already prepared. This pattern underscored a troubling truth: many able-bodied men I encountered lacked even basic domestic skills, such as owning pillowcases or knowing how to fry an egg. My frustration with their incompetence stemmed from my realization that, despite my initial lack of skills, I had managed to grow and adapt.

Through my experiences, I recognized that living independently had taught me the importance of taking responsibility for my own space, rather than relying on others.

The Challenge of Communication

In relationships, the expectation that partners should ask for assistance often leads to imbalances. After engaging with Bastavi Chiedere—the Italian edition of The Emotional Load—I realized that many men avoid discussing household responsibilities, leaving women to manage everything.

The comic illustrates the burdens of micromanaging a partner’s chores, highlighting the lack of appreciation for this full-time managerial role. The message resonates: your partner should not be your manager.

One could argue that men are often out of their depth in domestic settings, as they typically don't learn these skills growing up. However, I have observed similar micromanagement dynamics in professional environments.

Research suggests that many incompetent men receive promotions due to their confidence rather than their actual capabilities. Studies consistently demonstrate that women excel in leadership roles, showing greater empathy, accountability, and the ability to provide constructive feedback.

In my tech jobs, I noticed that many of the responsibilities—visible and invisible—often fell on female supervisors, from maintaining office supplies to ensuring smooth project deliveries. Male employees frequently required guidance from their female counterparts, who were eager for advancement and willing to take on the extra work.

Men often procrastinated or neglected their responsibilities under the pretext of having more pressing matters to attend to. I adopted a strict policy of non-involvement with anyone outside of my direct responsibilities. Over time, my male colleagues began to recognize that I wouldn’t clean up their messes, and they started to take ownership of their duties.

At home, however, my partner and I have developed a more collaborative approach. We share responsibilities based on our respective workloads, maintaining open lines of communication about our tasks. This mutual understanding allows us to navigate household duties effectively.

While Todt's perspective suggests a lack of communication from women, there are numerous examples where men fail to heed their partners' concerns. For instance, when a blogger’s dog was killed due to her father's negligence, or when another woman returned to find her beloved plants withered after relying on her partner's assurances.

The underlying issue is that individuals tend to prioritize tasks they care about. Thus, labeling this behavior as weaponized incompetence may not fully capture the dynamics at play.

When it comes to household responsibilities, simply making a list for someone who isn’t inclined to help won’t yield results; it may only add to your own burdens. Those who genuinely want to contribute will seek guidance, observe, and learn from their partners.

My partner and I often check in with each other to see what needs to be done, seamlessly picking up where the other leaves off.

In my upbringing, I didn’t view the home as my responsibility, having learned from my father that self-sufficiency was paramount. However, as I matured and established my own living space, I began to value cleanliness and order, realizing that I wanted to create a welcoming environment.

Perhaps the focus of our conversation should shift from making lists for men to empowering them to take ownership of their homes and recognize their role in maintaining a comfortable living space.

For further insights on shared household duties and navigating the complexities of partnership, follow Fourth Wave. Have a story, essay, or poem that highlights women's experiences or those of other marginalized groups? Submit it to the Wave!

In this insightful video, Farideh discusses the importance of clear communication in household responsibilities, emphasizing the value of creating lists to help partners understand their roles.

Lady Gaga's "Always Remember Us This Way" serves as a poignant reminder of the emotional connections that underlie our relationships, reinforcing the need for mutual respect and understanding in partnerships.