Understanding Men's Trauma: Addressing Fear and Stigma
Written on
Chapter 1: The Stigma of Male Trauma
We must begin by breaking down the stigma surrounding men discussing abuse. The issue of male trauma has remained largely overlooked for far too long. Society often portrays men as inherently aggressive and violent, as if we are mere victims of our own biology. While there is some truth to this notion, it fails to capture the full picture.
To understand men’s aggression, we must also address the trauma they experience. Unfortunately, a prevailing attitude exists that dismisses the complexity of men’s experiences, leading to a resigned acceptance of harmful behaviors. Men’s voices have often been muted in these discussions. Contributing factors like guilt, ignorance, and entitlement have left us with a skewed understanding of the issue—like trying to grasp an elephant by only feeling a couple of its legs.
Recent advancements in brain imaging have revealed that trauma can become ingrained in our minds and bodies. Thankfully, we now have effective treatment options, such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), yoga, and music therapy, which help individuals reconnect with their bodies and process their experiences. A significant shift in trauma treatment has moved us from questioning, “What’s wrong with you?” to a more compassionate inquiry: “What happened to you?” This perspective is essential for our everyday interactions.
Discussing this topic can be daunting. Many men hesitate to even utter the word "fear." I have long believed that expressing trauma can feel like a threat to our masculinity. By burying our pain, we often wreak havoc in the lives of those around us, unintentionally causing destruction. We tend to externalize our trauma, lashing out at those closest to us, and then become indignant when we face the consequences of our actions. The experience of trauma can feel disorienting, akin to being possessed by a darker side of ourselves, leading to behaviors that fill us with shame.
There are men who, having endured childhood trauma, do not become abusers but rather find themselves being abused in their adult relationships. A courageous group of men is beginning to raise awareness about male victims of abuse, sharing their stories of shame and denial stemming from such experiences, especially when the abuser is female.
Asking Yourself Key Questions
If you suspect you might be living with unresolved trauma, consider these questions from my book, A Man’s Way Through the Twelve Steps:
- Do you find yourself yelling or belittling others in hurtful ways?
- Are you prone to mistreating your partner and feeling like two different people?
- When close to someone, do you often shut down or become angry?
- Do you mock your partner or feel uncomfortable with their expressions of vulnerability?
- In moments of sadness, do you react with anger or withdrawal?
- Are you prone to extreme responses in conflicts, either by engaging intensely or avoiding confrontation?
- Are you easily startled?
- Do violent thoughts frequently cross your mind?
- Do you push people away with sarcasm or ridicule when they get too close?
- Do you use anger to shield yourself from hurt, driving away those you care about?
- Do you ever envision harming those you love?
If you answered yes to any of these, seeking professional help may be beneficial, even if just to ask questions or learn more. If you suspect trauma is affecting your life, consult a specialist trained in trauma treatment.
The Damage of Trauma
The impact of trauma can manifest in both overt and subtle ways, often hidden behind the façades of seemingly normal suburban lives. Families may wear painted-on smiles while struggling internally. The criminal who lashes out may have made a vow to never feel pain again after countless nights of tears. Others may find themselves unable to maintain relationships due to fear of loneliness or resort to bullying those they perceive as different.
It's clear that much of the violence and aggression we witness is rooted in unrecognized and untreated trauma. While such behavior is unforgivable, a compassionate understanding of its origins is necessary for healing.
Trauma often leads us to construct narratives about ourselves that we come to accept as truth. We forget that these stories are self-created and can be rewritten. A crucial element of trauma therapy involves reframing these narratives. However, this process requires deep emotional work, often involving painful introspection. As the adage goes, "There is no way out but through." Accepting that life isn't always fair can help us find peace amid chaos and distorted beliefs.
Through personal growth, I have learned to reassess my past experiences and create a new narrative for my life. I recognize that my upbringing lacked safety and love, but I also understand that my parents did their best, and their actions were rarely directed at me personally. I can even express gratitude for the path my life has taken, especially after working with inmates serving life sentences.
I've discovered moments of gratitude for my suffering, as it has shaped me into who I am today. My narrative has transformed significantly in recent years. This process isn't something you can force; it requires hard work and the right support. But the journey is worthwhile. Emerging from this work leads to a life filled with newfound freedom and peace.
Encouraging Open Conversations
I have received much appreciation for discussing trauma and advocating for open conversations about these issues. My hope is to inspire more men to share their perspectives on this topic. We need to eradicate the stigma surrounding male discussions of abuse, connecting it with men’s violence and acknowledging our roles as potential perpetrators.
More male voices are finally beginning to speak up. If you seek it out, you can find the love and support you need. The belief that we must face everything alone is one of the most detrimental ideas for men, and it's a mindset we've often internalized.
Your path to healing is your own; however, you must actively pursue it to begin the journey. The most crucial advice I can give is to embrace this journey. You may face moments of pain that make you question its worth, but I assure you that it is worth it, and you will never regret taking those steps.
This video discusses the urgent message from a former CIA spy about the importance of being aware of your surroundings and trusting your instincts, especially in uncertain times.
In this insightful video, Dr. Gabor Maté and Jay Shetty explore the root causes of trauma and discuss how feeling lost in life often stems from unaddressed emotional pain.
About Dan Griffin
Dan Griffin, M.A., has dedicated over sixteen years to the fields of mental health and addiction. Residing in Minnesota with his wife and young daughter, he has maintained his recovery for 17 years. Griffin is the author of A Man’s Way Through the Twelve Steps (Hazelden) and co-author of Helping Men Recover. To explore more of Dan's writing and learn about his work, visit: www.dangriffin.com.