What Drives This Passive-Aggressive Dynamic?

The unspoken motto around here seems to be to “avoid offending anyone at all costs.” This often leads to a passive-aggressive approach to communication, particularly concerning gatherings like weddings and funerals.

Having grown up in upstate New York, I was accustomed to a more straightforward style of interaction. Although adapting to this indirect way of expressing feelings can be challenging, it often leads to less confusion. My family was always candid and to the point, and I found myself missing that clarity when I moved to the Midwest.

A memorable moment occurred at a work event six months ago when a fellow attendee, unmistakably from New York, spoke directly. It was like a breath of fresh air—reminding me of home and making me appreciate that straightforwardness.

The Baby Shower Experience

Recently, I attended a baby shower that was slated from 1–4 PM. I mistakenly thought it lasted only two hours and didn’t realize it would take me two hours to get there. For me, three hours is a long time for a baby shower, especially when the event isn’t exactly thrilling.

I hadn’t seen many attendees for a while, so I felt obligated to go, hoping the event would wrap up sooner than later. However, as anyone who has been to a baby shower knows, it can drag on—especially with an hour dedicated to the mother-to-be opening presents.

Despite my efforts to be pleasant, my patience waned. I eventually said my goodbyes and left before my mother-in-law could question my early exit—something that exemplifies the passive-aggressive nature I’ve been discussing.

The Invitation Is Not a Command

One significant issue I’ve noticed is the belief that an invitation is akin to a summons. For example, skipping Bobby’s 5th birthday party won’t land you in jail, yet some relatives act as if it would.

Many perceive their gatherings as mandatory, and if someone chooses to decline, they might face resentment. The phrase “It’s an invitation, not a summons” is a handy way to navigate such situations.

Section 1.1: Setting Boundaries

For those with obstinate relatives, it’s crucial to communicate your absence clearly and early, before feelings escalate. If you can’t handle a family get-together, simply say no—it’s that simple.

Managing Expectations

Families must learn to moderate their expectations. If a college student can’t make the two-hour trek to a distant relative’s birthday celebration, allowances should be made.

I firmly believe that significant life events—like weddings and funerals—merit respect, and I will usually attend those, depending on my relationship with the person involved. If it feels unnecessary to attend, I’ll gladly send a thoughtful card or flowers instead.

Having been part of a large Midwest family for 25 years, I’ve learned a lot. In the early years, I often acquiesced to my mother-in-law’s wishes, wanting to fit in during a tumultuous time in my own family.

But over time, it became increasingly difficult to conform to her expectations, especially when she expected us to gather at her home every holiday.

With the pandemic and my son heading to college, I found the strength to say no. No more mandatory BBQs for Flag Day—I can choose to stay home.

Now that he’s back, the pressure has returned. Although I’ve changed over the past few years, my husband is still eager to participate in every event, often heading out without me, which has led me to assert my right to decline invitations.

Planning Ahead

As events approach, emotions can run high, resulting in conflicts. Recently, I’ve had numerous opportunities arise in my other career as an influencer.

Previously, I would often turn down invitations if they clashed with family events, but I’ve shifted my perspective. Recently, I was offered $150 tickets to a Titanic exhibit, but it conflicted with a holiday. I decided to seize the opportunity.

The Titanic Exhibit: A Must-See Experience

My fascination with the Titanic dates back to childhood, and I finally had the chance to visit the exhibit.

Although my mother-in-law may have been upset, I prioritized this professional opportunity over family expectations. Another event is approaching on the same day as a family graduation party, and I plan to attend my work event instead.

My time matters, and I don’t feel the need to impress anyone anymore.

If You Choose to Attend...

Everyone has the right to make their own choices regarding which events to attend, but no one should feel pressured into attending. Here are some effective responses for when someone insists on a decision regarding an invite:

Navigating family gatherings can be tricky, especially with high expectations. Remember, you’re not alone in this.