Heading Toward a More Isolated Middle Age, Research Indicates
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The Decline of Friendships in Adulthood
How frequently do you connect with friends each month? According to a study cited by CNN Health, the average woman over 25 interacts with around 15 individuals monthly, while men engage with about 12. (Note: social media "friends" are excluded from this count.)
After reading this, I found myself reaching for my phone to perform a task I often caution my clients against—comparing my social life to others. I focused solely on genuine relationships with friends or family, excluding work contacts or group chats.
Fortunately, I met the criteria. However, this prompted me to reflect on whether my friendships were indeed dwindling, as the article suggested they might have since my twenties. Should I be making more effort to reconnect with old friends or to forge new ones? Is a lonely future inevitable for me?
The study surveyed 3 million mobile phone users and concluded that we experience our peak sociability until the age of 25, at which point our social circles begin to contract. We lose friends more rapidly than we can replace them. The news is particularly sobering for women: although we tend to make friends more easily than men, we also lose them at a faster pace.
Understanding the Shift in Social Dynamics
This decline in friendships is not unexpected. As we advance in our careers and start families, our available free time diminishes. We begin to prioritize relationships that matter most to us, becoming more selective about who we allow into our close circles, and making greater efforts to maintain those connections.
For parents, social choices often hinge on who can assist with child-rearing. Hence, friends and family members with children may become more significant in our lives. While this may seem pragmatic, it’s simply a matter of practicality. After all, your mother-in-law might be a more dependable choice for babysitting on a Saturday night than a single friend who is always out partying.
Assessing Friendship Quality
One limitation of the study is that it focuses solely on the quantity of friendships, neglecting the quality. Most would agree that having one or two reliable friends is far more valuable than a large number of acquaintances who can't be trusted—or, worse, those who drain your energy rather than uplift it.
In my research for this piece, I came across a concept that categorizes friends as either "fountains or drains." In simpler terms, some people rejuvenate you while others sap your energy. While this perspective may seem overly simplistic, it’s worth considering: Are your friends fountains or drains?
However, it’s equally essential to reflect on your own behavior. What kind of friend are you? Do you enrich the lives of others, or do you take more than you give?
Although I usually shy away from clichés, the advice "be the friend you wish to have" holds considerable merit. Here’s a brief guide to embodying the qualities of a fountain friend.
Key Traits of a Good Friend
You remember what matters to them.
You keep track of more than just shared memories; you’re mindful of their current lives, such as their birthdays, their children's names, and even their dietary preferences.
You maintain their trust.
You remain loyal, refraining from gossip and choosing honesty when needed. As Oscar Wilde aptly put it, "a good friend will always stab you in the front."
You don't frequently cancel plans.
Regularly backing out of meetups sends the message that you’re keeping your options open, which can diminish your importance in their eyes.
You create a safe space.
Your friends feel comfortable expressing themselves around you. They trust you not to judge their life choices.
You celebrate their successes.
Being there for friends during hard times is vital, but it’s equally important to share in their victories without jealousy.
You can enjoy moments of laughter and tears.
The ability to experience "cry-laughs," as described in Sinéad O'Connor's memoir, signifies a strong bond.
You’re a reliable source of support.
Your friends should know they can reach out to you in times of need, especially during the night.
In essence, strive to be a fountain, contributing more positivity than you take away. Ultimately, the good energy you share will return to you.
Reflecting on these aspects can help ensure that your friendships remain fulfilling and supportive as you navigate through life.