Gut Reaction: Your Microbiome is Not Pleased, Hominid!
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Chapter 1: Understanding Your Microbiome's Feelings
Ah, the telltale tickle in your throat—classic winter woes. The thermometer reads a modest 98.9°. If your sniffle were louder, even an African elephant might miss it. But as you tumble into a self-pitying spiral of hypochondria, you might wonder who's narrating this tale, right?
It's us. Your bacteria. Yes, you heard correctly. We're a collective of 39 trillion, here to remind you of a few important facts. Maybe consider adding some kefir to your diet? But wait, your calculator might not be up to the task, among other things.
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Another sick day, instead of cruising to your hedge fund? Come on, human, step up! Oh no, here it comes—the obligatory call to Dr. HappyScript. Another round of “can’t-hurt-might-help” antibiotics at the local pharmacy, right? Let’s hit pause there for a moment, Howard Hughes.
Your unmanageable life directly impacts us, your microbiota. We were a thriving population of 39 trillion until recently. We lost Joey, Phil, and a chunk of our dear Ruminococci friends, all thanks to your latest “just-in-case” doxycycline spree. All this fuss over a carbuncle that turned out to be poison sumac—oops!
This isn’t your first rodeo, is it? Remember that nude beach escapade with the deer tick? You panicked like a tulip trader during the 1637 crash. Cue the Great Oxacillin Massacre of Summer ’21 when we went from enjoying sauerkraut to a complete die-off while you blissfully napped through the chaos.
Section 1.1: The Consequences of Antibiotics
Just look at you—dressed for the country club like Vlad the Impaler in khakis. Your time is running out. You’re powerless against antibiotics, and the steps you need to take are piling up.
Consider this: Your life is spiraling out of control. Only something greater than yourself can restore your sanity. Spoiler alert: that’s us—your microbiota! We rule your gastrointestinal tract, from the lush North Duodenum to the Rectal Slums beyond your Sigmoid Colon.
Subsection 1.1.1: Facing the Reality
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Not ready to confront your moral shortcomings? That’s fine. But remember, if you plan on missing that long weekend in Reykjavik with your buddies because you’re glued to the toilet, we can help clear your gut faster than you can say "Dulcolax."
Got a fancy dinner lined up at 11 Madison Park? Hope your Lactobacillus Reuteri doesn’t decide to take a day off. If they do, you might want to sit in a corner because methane might just start escaping during the appetizer course.
And let’s not even talk about your upcoming meeting with BlackRock. Projectile vomiting is definitely not on the agenda, but it’s a possibility we’ve been cooking up.
Chapter 2: Time for a Gut Check
Here’s a music video that captures the essence of chaos in our lives. #CGM Sav'O x Horrid1 - Violent Siblings (Music Video) | @MixtapeMadness - YouTube.
Now that you’re ready for a reality check, let’s take a look inside your medicine cabinet. You brought a trash bag—good move!
Thanks to Toni Crowe, who has the toughest bacteria in Tampa!
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