Embracing Self-Love: The Journey from Addiction to Connection
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Chapter 1: The Healing Process
I find myself in a remarkable phase of healing and personal growth. There's a small hand mirror I carry with me everywhere, and it rests beside my bed each night. After a long day, I curl up, take out my mirror, and look into my own eyes while speaking to myself aloud. It's akin to hosting a family gathering where everyone feels safe to share. We gather in a cozy space, sipping hot chocolate, enjoying music, exchanging massages, and telling stories, relishing each other's presence.
At any moment, anyone can express their thoughts or feelings, and the rest of us listen with open hearts. Occasionally, one member of my inner circle may need to voice something vulnerable, and the response is always filled with love and support. This practice fosters a deep sense of being cherished and valued within me and my inner family.
This has evolved into a nightly ritual, and I often engage in these conversations throughout the day. My mirror is a constant companion, as it helps me connect with myself more deeply.
The bond I’m cultivating with myself—the loving relationship I have long sought—has often been mistaken for connection with others, including romantic partners and substances. Addiction, in essence, stems from a profound sense of disconnection from oneself and an attempt to forge a substitute connection with external entities.
Many individuals are unaware that such an intimate relationship with oneself is possible, leading to significant emotional suffering.
As I gently nurture myself in the mirror, I recognize a lingering fear within me regarding this new depth of connection. It feels almost too good to be true, as if I’m breaking unspoken rules by allowing myself such intimacy. There’s a fear that if others discover how fulfilling it is to gaze into my own eyes while wrapped in comfort, I might face severe repercussions.
If I find such satisfaction in myself, what does that imply for my relationships with women? If I truly embody my ideal partner, how does that redefine my interactions with them?
~ The Maternal Theme ~
What does it mean when I tenderly gaze into the mirror and speak to myself with love? Primarily, I am mothering myself, and I’m becoming quite adept at it. There is a part of me that resists this growth, fearing that if I excel at nurturing myself, I may no longer require a woman as a partner.
This realization has profound implications: it could mean the end of my unconscious quest for an ideal mother figure in a romantic partner.
Why would this be seen as a threat? During my formative years, I learned that my mother needed to feel indispensable to me. If I were too successful in fulfilling my own needs, it could trigger feelings of abandonment for her, as her self-worth hinged on being needed.
To avoid this abandonment, I learned to neglect my own needs, creating a fantasy where I would always depend on a woman to fulfill them, despite knowing I was quite capable of self-sufficiency.
This illusion has persisted for 27 years, but in recent weeks, it has begun to dissolve, revealing a powerful truth: I am the nurturing figure I always sought. Women no longer hold exclusive claim to that role.
This shift is a pivotal moment in my personal evolution, and I trust that when the time is right, it will lead to the right woman entering my life as a long-term partner. I welcome this timeline, as it provides more opportunities to deepen my love for myself and teach others to do the same.
Historically, every woman I have loved romantically derived significant self-worth from feeling needed by men. I now see this dynamic clearly: I needed these relationships for maternal affirmation, which in turn validated their sense of self. As long as I relied on them for something only they could give, they felt valued.
These patterns, often inherited from our parents, raise an important question: will we perpetuate them in the next generation?
The answer is a resounding no. The cycle ends here.
About Paley Burlin
Paley Burlin, a native of Maine, is a psychotherapist based in Washington. He is dedicated to fostering positive social change by integrating emotional and psychological healing. With a focus on depth psychology, mysticism, and trauma research, Paley encourages individuals to cultivate self-love and connection. To learn more or follow his work, visit his website: paleyburlintherapyandcounseling.com