Chapter 1: The Evolution of Love

Have you ever considered how our perception of love has transformed over time? The concept of love has been a pivotal topic throughout history, from Plato's dialogues to contemporary psychological theories. These philosophical explorations provide profound insights into human nature and relationships, including my own experiences.

I encountered my husband, Pete, in my 40s after navigating several unsuccessful romances and a tendency to be drawn to 'bad boys,' which I mistakenly equated with passion. Meeting Pete was a refreshing departure from my past. Our romance unfolded gradually; we met at work, developed a friendship over the years, and eventually transitioned into a deeper, more personal connection.

Since then, we have been each other's support system through various challenges, including health issues, financial struggles, and family matters. We have tried each other’s hobbies with varying degrees of success, yet we remain committed to supporting each other’s interests. We take an interest in each other’s daily lives and challenges, striving to ease each other’s burdens.

We have become best friends, and while there is passion, it manifests differently than in my previous relationships. I see reflections of our bond in many of the philosophical concepts we will delve into.

One of the most significant thinkers of ancient Greece, Plato, offered profound insights into love through his works, particularly in the "Symposium." He characterized love, or "eros," as a journey that transcends mere physical attraction, evolving into a spiritual quest for beauty and truth.

In his depiction, love is likened to a ladder, beginning with physical allure and gradually ascending towards the appreciation of wisdom and the divine. Plato illustrates this journey towards higher beauty through the character of Diotima in the "Symposium."

"He who has been instructed thus far in the things of love, and who has learned to see the beautiful in due order and succession, when he comes toward the end will suddenly perceive a nature of wondrous beauty . . . beauty absolute, separate, simple, and everlasting."

— Symposium, Plato

While Plato’s vision of love revolved around the pursuit of ideals, his student Aristotle grounded love in reality, placing significant emphasis on friendship and moral virtue. For Aristotle, love is a reciprocal relationship founded on goodwill and shared values, laying the groundwork for understanding love as fundamental to ethical living.

Aristotle further elaborated on the types of friendships, distinguishing between those based on utility, pleasure, and virtue. The highest form, the friendship of virtue, is founded on mutual respect and admiration for one another's character.

"Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good in themselves."

— Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle

This enduring and realistic understanding of love stands in contrast to the romantic ideals that flourished during the Medieval and Renaissance periods. The emergence of romantic love can be seen in Dante's "Divine Comedy," where he immortalizes his idealized love for Beatrice, portraying her as a beacon of divine enlightenment.

Dante’s portrayal of Beatrice epitomizes a love that transcends earthly desires, guiding one towards spiritual fulfillment. This idealized, often elusive form of love became a cornerstone of the courtly love tradition, inspiring a plethora of literature and art.

Courtly love celebrated noble and often unattainable love, inspiring knights and poets alike. This tradition depicted love as an elevating force, enhancing the lover's moral and social standing through the adoration of a lady from a distance, which often led to poetic and artistic expressions of devotion. Works like Geoffrey Chaucer's "The Knight's Tale" and the Lancelot-Grail cycle exemplify these themes, showcasing love as an inspiring yet challenging pursuit.

Theologians such as St. Augustine and Thomas Aquinas integrated classical philosophy with Christian theology, presenting a new dimension to the understanding of love that was more attainable. Augustine regarded love as a divine gift, essential for spiritual salvation.

"My love is my weight: wherever I go, my love is what brings me there."

— Confessions, St. Augustine

For Augustine, love directed toward God represented the highest form of love, leading the soul to unity with the divine. This understanding of love as inherently linked to spiritual salvation profoundly influenced Christian thought and literature.

Conversely, Thomas Aquinas harmonized Aristotelian ethics with Christian doctrine, viewing love as both a theological virtue and a natural human affection. In his "Summa Theologica," Aquinas asserted that true love, or charity, is rooted in the will and aimed at the common good.

He described love as "to will the good of another," highlighting its selfless and virtuous nature. This perspective merged the intellectual traditions of Aristotle with Christian teachings, presenting love as a vital virtue that guides moral behavior and fosters a sense of community.

This mutual support and respect illustrate the balance between duty and emotion that defines our relationship. It also reflects the philosophical shifts of the Enlightenment when thinkers began to examine love through the lens of reason and individualism.

Philosophers like Immanuel Kant and David Hume analyzed love through rationality and emotion, providing new insights that continue to influence our understanding today.

Immanuel Kant emphasized moral duty and respect in love, situating it within his broader ethical framework. He argued that genuine love must rise above mere sentiment and be anchored in a sense of duty and respect for the autonomy of the other.

"Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end, never merely as a means."

— Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals, Kant

According to Kant's Categorical Imperative, authentic love involves acting out of respect for the other person's inherent worth rather than merely seeking personal gratification. This perspective encourages reflection on the ethical dimensions of our romantic relationships, underscoring that love should embody mutual respect and moral commitment.

In contrast, David Hume underscored the significance of feelings and personal connections in understanding love. Hume's philosophy acknowledged the central role of emotions in human experience, positing that reason alone cannot fully encapsulate the essence of love. He highlighted the importance of sympathy and emotional bonds in establishing meaningful relationships.

"Reason is, and ought only to be the slave of the passions." — Treatise, Hume

This implies that our emotions drive our actions and decisions, including those related to love. By recognizing the power of emotions, Hume paved the way for a more personal and emotional understanding of love, which values the depth of feeling and the connections we forge with others.

During the 19th century, Romanticism celebrated passion and individualism, further influencing perceptions and experiences of love. Thinkers like Friedrich Schlegel and Novalis focused on love’s emotional and transcendent aspects, presenting it as a profound, personal experience that defies rational explanation.

Romanticism departed from Enlightenment ideals of reason and order, embracing the chaotic and sublime nature of human emotions. Love became integral to the human soul's quest for self-discovery and artistic expression.

Friedrich Schlegel viewed love as an intense, often tumultuous force that could lead to both ecstasy and suffering. He argued that true love involves a deep connection that transcends societal norms and rational thought, allowing individuals to delve into the depths of their emotions and creative potential.

Similarly, Novalis conceptualized love as a mystical and almost divine experience. He wrote about the "blue flower," a symbol of longing and the infinite pursuit of the unattainable, embodying the Romantic ideal of love.

"To romanticize the world is to make us aware of the magic, mystery and wonder of the world; it is to educate the senses to see the ordinary as extraordinary, the familiar as strange, the mundane as sacred, the finite as infinite."

— Hymns to the Night, Novalis

For Novalis, love represented an aspiration towards the infinite, a quest for unity and transcendence that extends beyond the physical realm. His writings reflect a longing for a deeper, more meaningful connection achievable only through the experience of true, passionate love.

Existentialist thinkers like Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir examined love as a fundamental aspect of authentic existence. They delved into the complexities of human relationships, emphasizing personal freedom and the nuances of dependency.

Sartre regarded love as a paradoxical experience, where the desire for mutual recognition and the need for independence coexist in a delicate balance. For Sartre, love involves an ongoing negotiation between asserting one's own freedom and acknowledging the freedom of the other, often resulting in conflict and a deeper understanding of oneself and one’s partner.

Simone de Beauvoir, in her influential work "The Second Sex," scrutinized the dynamics of love and gender, challenging traditional notions and advocating for equality and mutual respect in relationships. She argued that genuine love must be predicated on recognizing and embracing the other's autonomy rather than attempting to possess or dominate them.

"Authentic love must be founded on reciprocal recognition of two freedoms."

— The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir

This viewpoint on love underscores acceptance and authenticity, encouraging partners to appreciate each other as whole individuals. The small acts of acceptance and understanding serve as real-life applications of philosophical concepts regarding love and respect.

In the 21st century, our comprehension of love continues to evolve, integrating insights from diverse fields such as psychology, neuroscience, and sociology.

Modern researchers like Helen Fisher and John Gottman have made significant contributions to our understanding of love and relationships. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, has examined the neurochemical basis of love, identifying three primary brain systems tied to romantic relationships: lust, attraction, and attachment.

Her research has shed light on the biological and evolutionary foundations of love, illustrating how hormones, brain chemistry, and romantic behaviors intersect.

"Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You can't stop thinking about another human being. Somebody is camping in your head."

— Why We Love, Helen Fisher

For Fisher, love is a powerful and often overwhelming experience driven by fundamental biological and evolutionary mechanisms. Her work has highlighted the universal nature of romantic love and its profound influence on human behavior and relationships.

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, has focused on the dynamics of both successful and unsuccessful relationships, pinpointing factors that contribute to relationship satisfaction and longevity.

Gottman developed the "Sound Relationship House" theory, outlining key components of healthy relationships, such as trust, commitment, and effective communication.

"The goal is not to get rid of all your disagreements, but to learn to keep them from drowning the rest of your relationship."

— The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman

Gottman's research emphasizes managing conflict and fostering positive interactions to sustain healthy, fulfilling relationships.

In conclusion, my partnership with Pete, characterized by mutual respect, emotional connection, and shared values, reflects a modern interpretation of the philosophies of love explored throughout history.

From Plato's idealized portrayal of love to Aristotle's focus on friendship and moral virtue, from the emotional intensity of Romanticism to contemporary psychological findings, our understanding of love has evolved in intriguing ways. Pete and I have embraced these insights, striving for a relationship that balances passion with practicality, emotion with ethics, and individuality with mutual support.

So he can revel in his enthusiasm for pickleball and clean the house three times a day while I maintain my work organization system and attend yoga classes. When he tidies up, he stays clear of my workspace, and I’ve stopped reminding him that my rooms are tidy before he starts playing and I turn into a pretzel.

We cherish moments like quiet dinners or learning new skills together, such as candlemaking, ensuring we regularly check in on how to enhance each other’s lives amidst those moments. When disagreements arise, we communicate openly.

It may not represent a flawless philosophy of love, but it draws from the thoughts and works of many others that resonate with us. What is your philosophy?

Chapter 2: Philosophical Insights on Love

This video titled "PLATO'S SYMPOSIUM: 'What Is Love?' Basic Explanation | Ancient Greek Philosophy" provides an accessible overview of Plato's ideas on love, particularly how they relate to modern interpretations. It highlights the philosophical journey from ancient thoughts to contemporary understandings of love.

Another insightful video, "Simon May - What is Love?" delves into the complexities of love through a philosophical lens, exploring how our understanding of love has evolved and its implications for modern relationships.