Embracing Baggage: What My First Dates Taught Me About Authenticity
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Chapter 1: The Start of a Journey
It was a bold move, but I extended my hand confidently. “Hello, I’m Maria. I’ve recently been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, I’m actively working through my severe commitment issues in therapy, and I plan to get my tubes tied when I can afford health insurance.”
That was the unique introduction I used on every date I went on after finding myself single shortly before my 30th birthday. Back on dating apps like Hinge, Tinder, and Bumble, I had to confront the fact that I was the architect of my own relationship failures. I often felt that no boyfriend truly understood who I was, and understandably so; I had detached from my emotions, burying my shame and insecurities so deeply that I had lost touch with my own identity. However, after months of delving into my trauma through EMDR therapy, I realized I could no longer maintain the facade of perfection. This time, I would fully embrace my baggage.
Interestingly, it seems that masking one’s true self has historically been a popular strategy in the quest for love. A 1958 article in the women’s magazine McCall’s outlined 129 strategies for securing a husband, many of which, while amusing, are shockingly outdated and problematic.
Among my favorites: “Stow away on a battleship,” or “Sell toupees—bald men are easy targets.” These ridiculous suggestions make me question how the Silent Generation became the first to normalize divorce. While some tips were likely meant to be humorous, many advocated for manipulation and deceit as the means to a lasting partnership.
Here are some pearls of wisdom from 1958:
- “Learn to bake delicious apple pies and bring them to work for eligible bachelors to sample.” Because who wouldn’t want laxative-laced dessert?
- “Let your purse spill its contents on the street.” Oops! My condoms and birth control have just made a public appearance!
- “Consider contact lenses.” Or just skip them; a blurry man might be more attractive.
- “Mind your vocabulary.” I often trip up on this one.
- “Keep your allergies to yourself.” Anaphylaxis is not exactly a turn-on.
- “Avoid whining — girls who whine stay on the vine!” But girls who rhyme? They get married in no time.
- “Don’t disclose your desired number of children.” After all, deciding to bring life into the world is just a minor detail.
- “Hold back some personal information at the start.” Your true identity as a witch who harvests genitalia can wait until date three.
- “Be adaptable. If he wants to row on the lake instead of dance, go for it, even in your finest gown.” I didn’t realize I was living a scene from Bridgerton.
- “Don’t try to change him—at least not before marriage!” A smokey eye post-vows is perfectly acceptable.
- “Remain innocent, but not naive.” Think of it as being a virgin who’s well-versed in adult content.
- “Don’t let him think your career comes before marriage.” After all, paying bills is for spinsters.
- “Avoid sharing risqué stories.” This one time, at band camp...
- “Stop being a mama’s girl—don’t let him think you’ll have in-law drama, even if you will!” Loving your mother is a major red flag.
- “Remind him that single men have a higher death rate than married men.” When all else fails, use the mortality card to trap him.
But, Maria, that advice is over six decades old. Surely, it must have improved, right?
Yes, there are more modern resources out there, like a 2024 article from Marriage.com titled “20 Ways to Find a Husband.” The accompanying image features a woman gleefully holding a pregnancy test while being kissed by a man in denim. This article suggests that women should be their true selves—provided that their authentic selves are “approachable” and not “too picky” or “desperate.” Essentially, it promotes being the “cool girl” from every early 2000s rom-com.
Interestingly, it’s not just women who feel the pressure to present curated versions of themselves online. Research indicates that dating apps have made it easier for individuals to showcase only their best qualities. A survey revealed that about one-third of millennials keep secrets from their live-in partners, often about past relationships or questionable choices. While many express guilt about these secrets, a significant portion remains unwilling to disclose them. However, studies show that concealing parts of ourselves can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction. So, why do we do it?
Simple: we’re terrified our true selves are unlovable.
So, what happened when I decided to lead with my baggage?
To my surprise, men didn’t immediately flee in horror; instead, they engaged. Some asked me questions, while others shared their own stories of therapy or recovery from addiction. Instead of exchanging polite lies and small talk, we delved into genuine, vulnerable discussions.
Even more surprising? By the time I returned home, I often received texts suggesting we meet again. However, unlike McCall’s advice, I rarely agreed to a second date. With a newfound sense of self and clarity about my needs, I began to ask myself important questions: Did I actually like this man, or did I simply enjoy the fact that he liked me?
More often than not, it was the latter. When it was, I refused to revert to old habits. I chose to be honest and direct: “Thanks for your honesty today. I’m seeking a real connection, but I didn’t feel it with you due to XYZ. I’m sure you’ll find someone who resonates with you, especially if you keep being candid.”
In essence, I allowed myself to be selective. I friend-zoned without hesitation and was as approachable as I chose to be.
And once again, the outcome was eye-opening. Some men reacted poorly, feeling hurt and defensive, but the majority expressed gratitude for my honesty and moved on, relieved to have shared their own vulnerabilities. No one was harmed; no one’s masculinity was called into question. We simply laid bare our true selves and used our scars, rather than our polished personas, to evaluate compatibility.
Fast forward four years, and I’m in a wonderful relationship with an amazing man. Our first date commenced just as all the others had.
“Hi, I’m Maria. I’ve recently been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, I’m in therapy for severe commitment issues, and I’m planning to get my tubes tied as soon as I can afford health insurance.”
His response spoke volumes. He was understanding, supportive of therapy, and okay with not having children. Our conversations revealed his humor, vulnerability, intelligence, humility, and charisma. He even exceeded expectations, as his online profile didn’t do him justice.
Most importantly, I had laid out all the reasons I believed made me unlovable, and he chose to love me regardless. My baggage didn’t scare him off; it welcomed him in.
But hey, maybe selling toupees works too.
I’m currently working on publishing my memoir. Check it out at www.mariacassano.com/numb.
Chapter 2: The Power of Authenticity
The first video explores whether older women come with "baggage" and discusses the implications of this perception in dating.
The second video dives into the complexities of broken relationships and the baggage they can carry, providing insights for those navigating the dating landscape.